Wednesday, October 17, 2007


Okay, the intrepid Canadian has moved floors, leaving me bereft of anger/amusement on a daily basis. Oh well, I guess this blog will move more onto my musings. Or somesuch. Speaking of ...

I love reading the police blotter for my city. Many of these I read and think, “wow, do people seriously call the cops for this kind of stuff? Seriously?!” Most, though, are just sad and funny – funny because some of the actions are just plain amusing in a Darwinian sort of way, and sad because these people will breed and pass along their DNA to the next generation.

I had to bold the parts that I found amusing. All comments in parenthesis are mine. (And some of you wonder why I moved out of here the day after I turned 18.)

_____ Avenue, _____ block, petty theft: An adult male was in custody on suspicion of shoplifting. The suspect was being uncooperative and getting up and giving hugs to security officers, 1:41 p.m. (I don’t know – giving hugs seems to be cooperative to me.)

_____ Park: A pony was loose in _____ Park, which is in the _____ block of _____ Lane, at 10:43 a.m. Monday. The caller said its owner was having trouble catching it. The pony reportedly "almost bit a kid in a stroller." When the pony's owner found out the police had been notified, he became upset and left the park with the pony. (The title on the blotter got me – Rogue Pony almost bites kid. Yeah, those rogue ponies are evil. They roam in packs all around My Town. It’s so bad you can’t go out at night without carrying a bag of carrots to distract the ponies if you happen to run across one.)

_____ Avenue, _____ block: U.S. marshals informed police Thursday around 5:30 p.m. that they had taken a subject into custody in the Lowe’s parking lot in the _____ block of _____ Avenue. Callers reported earlier that the male had thrown his skateboard into traffic. He told the marshals he was upset because he had been kicked off a bus for belligerent behavior. (And throwing your skateboard ISN’T belligerent behavior … )

_____ Avenue, _____ block, suspicious circumstances. A resident told police she thought someone was in her attic and it sounded like the person was “dropping stuff.” She also said she had called police in the past with the same fear and every time police responded and checked the attic, no one was there. The woman noted that she was “not drunk or high,” 1:34 a.m. (No, not drunk or high, just crazy.)

_____ Street, _____ block, mentally ill person. A woman described as “hysterical” by a dispatcher reported that her boyfriend was “on a plane” and was broadcasting from 555.55 FM that he was “on his way to come and kill her.” A dispatcher noted the woman wasn’t “making any sense,” 12:03 p.m. (No comment.)

_____ Street, _____ block, sexual battery. The same woman from the earlier “mentally ill” call reported that her boyfriend’s son had sexually assaulted her while he was visiting from the United Kingdom. She also said there was a small airplane outside her balcony writing bad things about her in smoke and “somehow broadcasting messages to three subjects that were in/around her residence.” Later she confessed that she had “made the whole story up” because she had consensual sex with her boyfriend’s son and she was trying to reconcile with her boyfriend, 10:14 p.m. (Damn. Just ... damn. This stuff is better than a soap opera.)

_____ Street, _____ block, patrol check. A woman in a beige Honda drove by and yelled at people in another language as they were going into a Mormon church for a Jewish religious service, 11:01 a.m. (What gets me is the whole "Mormon church holding a Jewish religious service" part. If you aren't Mormon, you're really not supposed to be going into their inner sanctum, yanno? And why, oh why, would someone call about this?)

_____ Avenue, _____ block, patrol check. A woman told police she believed people were hiding in her attic and she wakes up and sees people walking around, 3:59 a.m. (Same crazy woman as before. Maybe ghosts? Oh, or zombies. Braaaaaaaaains! No wonder they are looking for something, this woman doens't apparently have any.)

_____ Avenue, _____ block, other agency: A man called police to say he thought he may have died earlier in the night but that he was feeling fine now, 4:21 a.m. (Yeah, I thought I’ve been dead before too. But it turns out I was just hung-over. WTF?!)

_____ Lane, _____ block, 911 non-emergency: A woman called 911 to report that her boyfriend was logging into her account without her permission, 2:11 p.m. (911? For real? I shudder in fear that these are the people that will lead us into the future.)

_____ Avenue, _____ block, vehicle burglary: A backpack and a camera were stolen from a car sometime during the night, 2:54 p.m. (Okay, who the hell leaves anything of value in their car? I can understand if you're running in and out of somewhere, but overnight? Are they dumb?)

_____ Circle, _____ block, vehicle burglary. A handgun was stolen from an unlocked vehicle, 12:16 p.m. (Once again - who the hell leaves a handgun in plain sight and in an unlocked car? We ain't in Texas here. Y'all.)

_____ Street and _____ Avenue, suspicious circumstances. A caller said while she was getting gas at a gas station, a person offered her money for sex, 1:28 p.m. (This implies, to me, that the guy either doesn't know where to look for a prostitute, or the woman was dressed like one. Either way, I wouldn't want it to be noted that I was dressed like a wh0re whilst pumping gas. Can you imagine all the "pumping" puns that you'd get from that? No thank you.)

_____ Avenue, _____ block, fire. A car was on fire in a cemetery parking lot, 8:03 p.m. (I know that this cemetery closes and locks its gates at 6. The only explanation I have is zombies. Hey – zombies like bonfires too! Maybe they were making s’mores.)

Damn. Just ... damn.

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